oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
