oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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