When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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