yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
