This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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