sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
