Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize