I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
