Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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