someone threw a dead crab at me
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize