Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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