I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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