I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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