Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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