I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
