we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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