his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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