I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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