my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
there is puke in my bra ... again
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
