Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
