How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
