You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
