dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
