Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
