I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
