I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
