last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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