Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
