I faked an abortion last night.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
