You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
