i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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