Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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