so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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