You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
