I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
