did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
