They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I need moral support for this bender
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
