the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
