Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
