He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
