i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
