why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he shaved USA in his pubs
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
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