I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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