I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
