No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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