So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I am midnight drunk by noon
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
