mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
id be glad to
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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