Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We're too hungover to prance.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
