I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
