At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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