mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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