btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
We got so high we made milksteak
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
