i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Send help, water and tortillas.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
