If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
