i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
