Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
