"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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