I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
