You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
