conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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