if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
